From: "Erwin Hitz"
Date: Thu Mar 11, 2004 10:20 am
Someone sent me the following. It is amusing and at the same time
alarming. I just thought I'd share it with the group.
Operator: "Thank you for calling (Pizza Vendor)
How May I serve you..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-
Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very
high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure
you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up
while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed
that you'd be using it."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already
got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters
of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our advert's exclusionary clause
prevents us from offering free
soda to diabetics."
Operator: "The computer screen has just flashed two additional
warning alerts. It indicates you are 50 pounds overweight and the
Federal Standard determines that anyone 30 pounds overweight is
considered obese. If the pending legislations against fast food and
obesity are enacted, we will not be able to accept your food orders
in the future"
Customer: " I'll remember that."
Operator: "The other warning indicates you purchase a carton of
cigarettes once each week at your local Super Market. Of course we
do not know how many extra packages you purchase from various
vending machines, but this indicates you are a smoker. When you come
to pick up your Pizza order, please wait in the parking lot at the
bright orange table under the sign that says I SMOKE. Use the
intercom provided to let us know you have arrived. We can not
permit you to enter our premises, since your lungs still contain
abundant amounts of secondary smoke which is released each time you
exhale. This secondary smoke would contaminate our employees and
customers. Your Pizza Order will be delivered to you at the table by
an employee, who will be wearing the appropriate breathing
THANK YOU FOR SELECTING ( PIZZA VENDOR), and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!
ABSURD?? We are not far away from the above scenario. This is the
direction our society is going. George Orwell wrote the book 1984 (
all about Big Brother). He missed the title by 20 years. It should
have been called 2004.